A letter to my eldest on your first day of kindergarten:
I didn’t know how hard it would be to drop you off in front of that big, new school. You looked so tiny and lost, scared and unsure of where to go next. Last night, when we picked out your shiny new outfit and backpack too big for you, I was so sure that you would be fine. You are usually so confident, so social, so sure. But today, you looked tiny, and my heart broke from the inside out. All I wanted to do was jump out of the car and give you the biggest hug and hold your hand, tell you it’s going to be ok. But I had to keep the car moving, I didn’t want to make all the other parents wait - we were told not to get out of our cars. Are you going to be ok? This is just the start of it all. Is this what I should expect from here on out? My heart sinking and a pit in my stomach, every time you do something new? You are my eldest. My brave, strong little girl. My smart, funny, loving big girl. And yet, I’m scared and worried like I’ve never felt before. Will your day be ok? Will you make new friends? Will you eat your lunch? Will you like your teachers? Will you be happy?
You made me a mama, and I’ve never been the same. You are a piece of my heart outside of my body, walking around on two legs and exploring the world all on your own. From the moment you were born - you were tiny but so fierce. Your cry was the loudest, and I didn’t understand how. How such a loud sound could come from such a little thing. And you knew your mind from the beginning. You didn’t want to nurse, you had had enough of that, so that was that. You decided instead that a bottle was much better. You started to sit and crawl and walk so fast, and then you were talking...and you never would stop. Then came dancing and singing and the talking always kept going. At times it drove me nuts, but then I was amazed. How does this tiny little girl know so much? How does she have this endless energy that never stops? You are my energizer bunny even though you refuse to eat most things. You keep growing and I hope you never slow down. You amaze me, every single day.
Today, on this first day of the rest of your life, I hope nothing but the very best for my brave, sweet girl. You will find your footing, and then you will be off. You will start your running, your talking, your singing and your dancing, and I hope you never ever stop. There will be hard days, but there will be very good days too. There will be challenges, and you will grow and overcome them. You will forever be my first baby, my eldest, my strong, brave one, and as much as I want to hold on tight, I know that I can’t. Today, my eldest, I have to learn how to let you start growing your own wings and fly. Just remember, you still are a piece of my heart, and will forever be. So be gentle, my love, my little, fierce love, and know that mama will always be with you.