"I allow myself space for healing and for growth."
I'm learning that the Universe will smack you straight up the head with a lesson until it gets through to you. That lesson will keep showing up, in whatever way it can, until you finally take hold of it and understand it and live it and allow yourself to absorb it and grow from it.
I was happily heading into summer, feeling good about myself and my consistency in workouts five times a week, my active lifestyle as an anchor for keeping my head on straight and my life in order. I felt like I was setting a good example for my children and for my clients, and thought that I would be in great shape for the summer and pool season. That was all great until I got injured playing a sport that I love to play.
Now, 5 weeks into that injury, I'm learning a very big lesson. I'm learning what it means in my body and in my soul to slow down, to allow others to do things, and to show up in other ways for those who I care about. I'm learning that acting and behaving one way is not the be all / end all. It's not always so black and white (you are a good mom if you do this and a bad mom if you don't, for example). It's a lot of shades in between, and there are many, many ways to show up in the world that matter. I'm not able to run 100 miles a minute and cater to my family's every need anymore. But I'm learning that doesn't mean that I'm not a good parent. It just means that I can show up in other ways for my children. My daughter aptly said it this morning when I apologized to her mid-tears that I can't do everything for her that mommy should be doing. She simply said, "It's ok mommy, daddy can do it." (That's right, daddy CAN do it, and he is, and for that, I should clearly be grateful, but so can you, little lady). I also understand that it's daddy's time to show up in that way, and my time for something else.
The way I could show up for my daughter today was emotionally. It was her first day of camp and she told me she was nervous. My first reaction was to say, "Why? You've been to this place before and you will have friends there that you know!" Now, looking back, I see that was not the best way to show up emotionally for her. Instead, when I pick her up, I'm going to have a real talk with her, and acknowledge that it's ok to be nervous, that we all get nervous sometimes. I will ask her how her first day went, and if she was still feeling that way, and let her know that mommy is here to talk about these things. I want her to know she is allowed to feel her emotions, and express them to her mother when she wants to and needs to, and that those emotions are OK - always. That's what my Mom does for me, and I am very grateful for her and the space she gives me to air out what I need to, knowing that she is not judging me, but instead, is always supporting me. That's how I can and will show up for my daughter today.
I am also learning what it means to give MYSELF space, and time, to heal. It's not going to be a clear cut timeline, as much as I want it to be. It's fluid, and I'm learning to be OK with that. It just means that I have to keep giving myself the time it takes, and that I have to be patient. The body takes it's own time to heal, and unfortunately it's not a timeline that we can control. It's going to happen when it happens, and I have to continue to be patient and support myself through the process as best as I can.
I'm learning to understand that I have to ask myself everyday, "Does this type of movement feel good right now, today?" If the answer is no because my foot is screaming at me, then I have to back off, and maybe come back to that when I can. If the answer is yes, then I should celebrate and know that I am making progress. This is how the road to recovery is going to go, and I have to have faith and eventually, I will be back to the movement that I want to be back to. I will be back to being the run-at-100-miles-an-hour mom and doing the things that I want to, but I think it will feel different. It will be with much greater appreciation of both my body and myself -- knowing that it took a lot of time and effort to get back to a place that I once took for granted.